Mom's Perspective

I decided that, although Matt is doing a fabulous job of keeping everyone updated, I wanted to write down some of my thoughts.  Partly just to get them out of my head...a little writing therapy.

This has definitely been something that has rocked our world.  Everyone in the house has had to adjust, but mostly Matti. It is indescribable really, how it feels to watch Matti go through this. As her mom, I would gladly go through it for her.  I really wish I could go through it for her. I wouldn't wish this experience on my worst enemy...watching your child suffer is heart wrenching.  It isn't fair.  She had gotten to a point in her schooling, with her talents, and with her friends that she was really in a good place in all ways.  She was primed and ready to head into her senior year and take it by storm. She had everything at her fingertips, until the cruel reality is it got ripped away from her...all of it . Yes, she has a good long term outlook, but it still sucks right now.  I really don't feel like sugar coating it at all. It sucks so bad, and I hate hate hate hate it. Then to top it all off, she had to have a hysterectomy, which honestly has been one of the hardest parts of this process. Yes, Matti knows she can still have children (obviously, she is 1 of 6 and the only biological child of the group)...and yes it's great that she has the experiences of our family to look to for guidance, and yes she is in a better spot than most 17 year old girls would be to accept this.  All of these things do not take away the finality of losing a part of you that culturally and spiritually you have been told your whole life is a HUGE part of being a woman, and that is carrying and giving birth to a child. There is grieving that is happening, and all of the well meaning comments about how "lucky" she is to have the family she does and understand that she can still have a family, really do not help or make it easier for her.

And of course, there is the ever looming "CANCER" word. This horrible disease that has taken so many people that Matti cares about and loves, now she has it. Now she has to fight it. It's scary and frustrating and stupid. Don't tell me that she is strong and God doesn't give you anything you can't handle...that's just dumb. First of all I refuse to believe that God GAVE this to her. I believe that sometimes things happen to us because we are just mortal. We have human bodies that are inflicted upon by our environment, or biology, or other people, and things happen to us for those reasons and NOT because God gives it to us. I believe that it is truly how we handle what is "thrust upon us", and how we learn to rely on God in our lives, that helps us deal with what happens to us here in our mortal existence. How do we make it through crap like this? We strengthen our relationship with our Heavenly Father. He gives us the STRENGTH we need to deal with trials in this life--NOT the trials themselves. SHIT just HAPPENS--as the saying goes.

Now, I do not want to come across as angry and ungrateful. Remember the beginning of this little entry? Writing therapy? That is really what the first of this was about. Let me be very real now about the love and peace that I feel every day in spite of what is happening to Matti, and to my family. Every time Matti is able to make a joke, laugh at herself, laugh at someone else, find beauty in her surroundings, meet other people who are going through something similar and relate to them, find strength from her friends and family, turn to God in prayer and know she can find peace--I know she is being blessed.  Every time she gets up and does what needs to be done, regardless of how crappy she feels, or how much pain she is in-- I know she is being blessed. Every time she is able to be with friends and family and feel of their love and support, or meet people who otherwise wouldn't have been a part of her life, or get opportunities that she may not have previously had-- I know she is being blessed. I know that we have been helped so much by so many people. Not only with the things that we can physically see and need, but more importantly, by the prayers and positive thoughts and energy and spiritual strength that we receive on a daily basis from all of our "supporters". Our family. Our team. Our friends.  The power of prayer is real; the power of friendship is real; the power of family is real. The power of God is real. There is no way I could function without these things. I have to have faith in these things, because if not, how would this constant ache in my heart ever be relieved?

So, for now I will be choose to be grateful instead of angry. Grateful for all of the helping hands. Grateful for family who help with my other kids while I am with Matti. Grateful for Matt and the friend and partner I have in him. Grateful for all of Matti's friends and all of the gestures of kindness and love. Grateful for all of the strangers who reach out to help and give Matti reasons to smile. Grateful that Matti and I have a lot of alone time, quiet talks, inside jokes, quiet tears, tantrums, hugs, comfort and peace.